October 24, 2017

Student Grammatical Train Wrecks, Final Edition

Mel Torme and Judy Garland
Mel Torme and Judy Garland

This is the third edition of student funnies for 2017:

If the first two editions–available here and here–of my all-time favorite comic student writings weren’t enough, I present this, the final edition (for now). Kids love music, and after listening to and discussing several famous Christmas songs, including Mel Torme’s The Christmas Song (take the link to see and hear Torme and Judy Garland sing it; Torme wrote it when he was only 19), one of my students slightly updated the words:

Best-Loved Christmas Songs: “Chipmunks roasting on an open fire…”

If my kids are anything, they’re often guilelessly honest:

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Woman? “Eve caused their anger because she did something to Adam which I forgot.”

Fortunately, I didn’t forget to record these linguist lashings for posterity:

Test Question: The Poetic Form of Julius Caesar is? “Julius Caesar Salad.”

Meaningful Goals: “Since I do not remember my goals for this semester I would said that I must have achieved and forgotten them.”

No Kidding: “The main thing you guys need to know about us girls is that we have feelings and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Thanks For Clearing That Up: “Girls are really just like guys, but more feminine.”

Insightful Literary Analysis: “The guy out of ‘Dreamin’ Again wants the presence of his girl back. But he can’t get it because she took it with her.”

I Didn’t Say That: “Daryl Hannah plays a good Roxanne by playing the part of an intelligent woman, and that’s not very easy to do.”

I Hate It When That Happens: “When she arrived, she found her boyfriend and her best friend together, half-naked, hissing.”

How Old Is He Again? “My grandpa lived through the Renaissance.”

So They Defended It Then? “There were 179 people inside the Alamo, defending it. These people were known as the defenders of the Alamo.”

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I Had No Idea Schools Were So Deadly: “Kids need time to decompose and rest.”

Do What And A What? “If the president closes the prison the U.S. will go to crap and a hand basket.”

That’s Nice To Know: “I’m a benevolent little booger.”

Are You Sure About That? “Make sure [I] goes to cholage and hopefully be sucksessful.”

Was She Wearing It At The Time? “We used to…play football, videogames, put my sister’s bra in the freezer…”

Overheard In Class:

Boy: ”I don’t even shave.”

Girl: “I was talking about my legs.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women? ”…because Eve tricked Adam into eating the fruit. If we didn’t we could be running around naked instead of sitting in English class.”

Why Were Medieval Europeans So Angry With Women? ”They were mad at women because of how Eve told Adam to talk to the snake.”

“Catholic” Means: ”We rock; you don’t.”

“Catholic” Means: ”Mexican.”

A Poem By A Cheerleader:

Cheerleading is the best

Way easier than a test

Not when I get no rest

It’s hard to be humble

When you can stunt and tumble

It’s fun to fly high in the air

But I don’t like messing up my hair.

Test Question: “What Are The First Ten Amendments To The U.S. Consitution Called? “The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution.”

That’s Explains A lot: “Most of my homework is based on ellipsis.”

And This Surprises You? “After he died, he had only one expression on his face for the rest of the movie.”

No Kidding: “People are trying to prevent obesity, as it is a widely spread issue…”

That’s Painful: “Rafael Palmero was proven guilty of the use of performance enhancing drugs and he was stripped of his tittles…”

In The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educationsl Excellence.

Correction In The Header of Report Cards: “Smithville ISD will be a highly acclaimed model of Educational Excellance.”

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Truth In A Research Paper: “Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.”

Use “Debauchery” In A Sentence: “The family had a a lovely evening of debauchery.”

It Is?! What’s Your Worst? “Debauchery is one of my best qualities.”

The Great Muslim Warrior Who Fought The Crusaders Was? “Muhammed Ali.”

The Great Muslim Warrior Who Fought The Crusaders Was? “Chuck Norris.”

Overheard In Class: “Do Muslims have belly buttons?”

Truer Words Were Never Written: “Teachers know why animals eat their young.”

Overheard In Class: “If I have to pee, it’s going to be on you.”

Teenage Poetic Angst (who says I can’t teach kids to write poetry?):

We were one

We had fun

I used to be happy

Now I feel crappy.

Uh, Could We Have A Bit More Context, Please? “The original Grimm Brother’s story involved the prince raping the princess and leaving before she awoke. That is understandable.”

Girl To Slight Boy In Class: “You remind me of a little tiny action figure.”

Maybe We Can Bottle That: “The aroma he put out made students want to learn.”

Test Question: What is plainsong (Gregorian Chant)? “Like songs you hear on an airplane?”

By George, I Think He’s Got it! “Don’t call me a milquetoast, because I will cry.”

Student Inquiring About A Mixed (Male/Female) Choir: “Is your choir bisexual?”

True Love In The Modern Age: “When a guy is playing a videogame and he pauses it to text you, marry him.”

Overheard In Class:

Student 1: “Today is national silence day.”

Student 2: “We were just talking about that.”

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