BREAKING, PRESIDENT OBAMA:
President Obama in a frenzied Democrats press conference today touted the new victory of his policies over Donald “The Schemer” Trump.
President Obama (the first historically black President) announced today that both Mexico and Saudi Arabia will begin posting in English all private and public notices, voter forms, credit card information, and much more. Also, that all telephone outgoing messages—especially those pertaining to freebie government benefits—would be stated in English, by pressing “1.”
Last, but perhaps most importantly, President Obama (historically the first African-American-But-Not-Kenyan President on Earth) stated that neither the Mexican nor Saudi Arabian flag would ever be flown again publicly, “so as not to maybe offend us Americans.”
When asked how he had achieved such magnificent results over Donald “The Groper,” Trump, when not even in office, Obama said—with both John Kerry and Joe Biden, grinning, at his sides—“Well, I, uh, just , uh, never, uhhhh, gave up. I, uh, knew my policies would, uhhh, one day, uhhhhhh, kick in—with the help of Vice President Joey Biden and…heeeeeere’s Johnny!” —turning to Secretary Kerry.
When asked what was “next for Obama,” by a kneeling, drooling Don Lemon, Obama said with signature, good-natured grin, “I’ll be lapping with Michelle.”
Democrats cheered and broke furniture.